I do not care what anyone says, suicide is not selfish or inconsiderate. What’s
selfish and inconsiderate is hurting someone to the point they want to put a noose
around their neck and jump, swallow pills, or bleed out. And if suicide is just for
attention, tell me the reason that boy who used to sit behind you in math class
isn’t there anymore. Tell me why the girl who sits at your lunch table wears long
sleeves every single day, even when it’s hot outside. Exactly. You don’t know what
everyone is going through and they are too afraid to speak up because they will be told
they just want attention. You don’t know what everyone is feeling, and i can’t tell
you how many times i have got picked on and just sat with silent tears in my eyes to
not make it worse. Those “little jokes” you tell, some people brush it off, but others
really take it to heart. Always be there for everyone, even if you don’t like them.
Put your differences aside for a while. I’m going to tell you my story and then maybe
you will reconsider hurting someone, or hurting yourself.
So, i had a lot going on. We were struggling as a family for a while. I was struggling
myself. At one point in my life, i was on 56 pills and medicines every day just to
keep me alive. I’m not exaggerating, and i was 12 when it started. I was supposed to be
out of school for surgery on my thyroid for 3 days. The surgery went wrong. I bled
through my stitches, and my body went into shock. I was minutes away from death. The
doctors rushed to my room and i no longer had control of my body. My body, on its own,
was clenching into a ball and i was knumb. I had IV’s in and replaced by the hour. I had
bloody fingertips from the blood tests i had to take every 30 minutes to an hour. I
didn’t eat for 4 days straight. My last day there, the doctors said i could go home. I
refused. I said, “Listen, my calcium is going to get low and i am going to get paralyzed
for the moment again. I am scared, and i do not want to leave yet”. No body listened to
me. No one ever did. I went home. Literally 5 hour later, i was in the ER with low
calcium and my body wasn’t under my control. Again. I was right. I knew what i was
talking about. Well, about 5 months of living on 56 pills every day and i was tired of
it. 8th grade rolled around by then, and i was dealing with a lot of stress. I didn’t
want to be there anymore. I was tired of all the drama, stress, medical problems, being
“ugly” and “fat”. I cut for the first time. To this day, i have no idea who told. I
stopped eating as much. I began skipping Lunch and Dinner. Freshman year came around.
I started being depressed, all the time. I didn’t know what to do. I wanted to die again.
I just vented to friends and i made it though. Sophomore
year. I felt great. I wasn’t the youngest of the school anymore. Wrong. We started
having family problems. I began getting more depressed than ever. Everyone pretty much
told me to suck it up because i’m fine and it will be over soon because it’s just a
phase. Everyone except my friend Jacob. He actually understood me, and he self harmed
and was depressed too. We talked all the time. He would always tell me to smile because
“It looks good on you, Kailee” and he would always text me “How are you doing?” and
“Hey, are you feeling okay?”. He was always worried about others. We began talking
because i saw him get picked on, so i gave him my number and said i would be his friend.
We both got picked
on. A lot. In 8th grade, this guy would always pick on me. Right after my surgery, I
had big scar above my chest on my throat and he would say, “You look like a turkey.
GOBBLE GOBBLE GOBBLE” To me for weeks… This girl said, “And i bet she sits in her
room with razors just slicing her wrists saying she hates her life over and over again”
and people like that is why no one ever cries out for help. You get made fun of or
they say you just want attention, when really, i was in need of help.. I have got
told, “At least i’m not fat like Kailee” *he pointed to me* then my jaw dropped and he
said, “You’re so ugly, like, kill yourself”. I can list them for days if i wanted. I
brushed it off, always, but at the end of the day it’s all i think about. All of these
mean things play like a soundtrack stuck on repeat in my head, and i know i am not the
only one who feels this way. Sticks and stones will never hurt us? Of course they did.
I seriously considered just downing a bottle off pain relievers to take the pain away.
And that’s when i got the call.. The call saying my only friend who truly understood
what i was going through killed himself… I dropped to my knees and couldn’t stop
crying. Why do bad things happen? He didn’t deserve it. He was one of the nicest people
i have ever met. I wished for him to come back every single day. I didn’t believe it
after an hour. I thought it was some sick joke, but it wasn’t. The reality was a slap
in the face. I couldn’t stand the pain, how could this happen?
Friday, November 15, 2013 Jacob Michael Robertson committed suicide
in his room, not even calling for help. A mother, father, brother, sister, and so many
more were effected by it. The world lost a great guy that day. Who knew that one day,
you are talking and laughing with someone and 5 hours later they are hanging lifeless
in their room? It is a terrible feeling that i will never forget.
I come to school the next Monday, and the halls are silent. Everyone has silent tears
in their eyes or they are sobbing hard. That day i hugged crying strangers, crying
teachers, and crying kids who will be effected forever. For the next few weeks,
everyone was very careful with what was said. But this isn’t the first suicide at our
school. In fact, i think it was the 6th. Class wasn’t the same without him there. I
felt empty and even lonelier than
ever. My depression and thoughts of death were getting worse and worse. I can hangout
with people, laugh, and have a good time, but at night i break down and cry. I wear
a bracelet that said “RIP Jacob Michael Robertson 07/20/98 – 11/16/13” every single
day. I cannot tell you how many times i have cried since then at school and at home.
Jacob effected so many people who didn’t even know him, they knew his siblings. It
sickens me knowing that people don’t watch what they say and push people over the edge
until eventually they just jump. Someone once told me “The day we lost him, i slowly
lost part of you”.
Please, don’t you ever do it. People who didn’t even know him personally were throwing
up from crying so hard. Think about the way your best friends will cry in the shower and
sometimes in public for weeks at a time. Or how about the way your Mother, Father,
or guardian will cry when they look in the mirror and see themselves with you or see
pictures of you and lose it. Or how about the way your friends will NEVER get the image
of your dead body out of their head? Or how about the way that anyone really close to
you won’t be able to get out of bed somedays because why would they want to go on with
out you? Or how about your siblings who when they look at your parents, they don’t see
you next to them anymore? Or how about thinking of everyone and what they will do after
the funeral? They will be forced to just sit in silence unable to find the words to say.
Or how your family will walk past your room and break down every single time? Or how
about the way your ex’s, friends, and family will find anything they have left of you
and hold onto it forever so at least they will still have something here on Earth?
I have cried almost every single day since he died. Don’t you dare tell me that thing
won’t change. Don’t you dare tell me that things won’t get better.. Because i can
promise you that they will. You’re right though, maybe not today. Maybe not tomorrow,
maybe not even the next year. But if you are lucky enough to have a bed, a house, and
the electronic device you are on, then you already have it good. And you know what? It
might be true. Things may not get better for a while, but they will. After his death,
i really reconsidered my thinking. Yes, i am still depressed a lot, but i do not want
to just die. Whatever you are going through, i can promise you that this advice will
work. It has to. If you’re being bullied, go to someone. If you cut yourself, don’t.
It will be hard, but do something else. Draw on yourself with red pen. Draw picures of
whatever is it you’re feeling. If you can’t eat, then take babysteps to it. Start with
200 calories one day, 300 the next, 400 the next, 500 the next, and so on. It takes
baby steps. It is better than eating nothing. Whatever it is that you’re going through,
i can promise you that it cannot be terrble forever. Cry it out, vent to people. I know
it feels like you’re left with wounds inside that aren’t getting better and that your
bed is holding you hostage, but we are all scarred. We all go through something and we
are all going through the same pain.
If there is one promise that i can make, and i do not break my promises, it is that
killing yourself will not help. You will feel pain for a few minutes, and then you will
never see your family again… but your family will see you every single day for the
rest of their lives and they will be living in hell knowing their baby wasn’t strong
enough. So please, email me your stories, and vent to me if you ever need it. It will
be confidential and i will help you through everything. Stay strong. ❤